I have decided to become unapologetically me. I have spent a good portion of my life worrying what other people think and say about me - Dreading their “looming judgements” on my appearance, character, actions and more - Always leaving me feeling less than worthy, with an inclination to constantly want to justify myself. Well, I am done!
I've realised that I am who I am and that is it. Like it or lump it. I'm not around to please anyone any more, and it's a huge relief. - Kristin Scott Thomas
As the years have passed and maturity has slowly crept its way into my life, I have begun to embrace “me”, as well as develop a healthy love for my character make-up, and all the little bits and pieces that form the unique individual that I am. This perspective stretches from what others say and think about me through to what I say and think about myself.
Growing up, I was enormously self-conscious of my legs. Why? I have absolutely no bloody idea! Lol - because as an adult I have been educated to the fact that (according to opinion offered) I have a particularly good looking pair of legs – haha! This however, did not help me much growing up. I literally LIVED in jeans. You would absolutely NEVER see me in a skirt or a dress… I was so ridiculously ashamed of my legs that at school, when I was forced to wear a uniformed dress, I would attempt to tan my legs using old tea bags. I never told anybody about this. Not even my mother, I don’t think.
How utterly sad is that! – That from the age of 12 I had developed such an unhealthy and extreme distaste for my own body. That stayed with me, right through until my early twenties… It was only then, that I occasionally started to explore the world of dresses and “accept” the fact that I actually might look really good in one.
These days, during the summer months, you will seldom see me in anything but really teeny shorts or a dress… although, mostly teeny shorts haha (more of a tom boy this one – plus shorts are just more practical! Lol) I have finally reached a point where I am HAPPY with myself physically. I no longer die my strawberry blonde hair, I love it! I am no longer ashamed of my freckles either - they truly are kisses from the sun. It is wonderfully liberating to reach such a healthy point of self-acceptance. It certainly took me long enough to get here – and I will NEVER allow ANYBODY to rob me of that again.
Now that was one side of the coin.
The other side of the coin has been the objective to develop the same level of acceptance and self-love, internally. This part of the journey (not surprisingly) has proven to be a little more challenging. Life’s little (and not so little) knocks and bumps along the way tend to cause a bit of a “dance” with two steps forward, one step back. As a young child (before I started to dislike myself physically), I was quite a confident and outspoken little girl. I won awards at school for the best speaker; I loved orals, speaking in front of people and engaging with others in general.
You would not get me to stand and speak to a hall full of people now, even if you paid me. Sadly, I have never regained that level of confidence. Although many people would assume me to be an extrovert, I am actually quite introverted. Although, having said that – I suppose, writing and sharing here on Steemit is me, beginning to take those steps forward – be they baby steps.
Now, I have covered both “SIDES of the coin”, but the compounding factor for both sides, is the EDGE of the coin…
The ever glaring opinions of others
The point, where your internal - and external confidence and self-acceptance (or lack thereof) meet. Like I said earlier in this post, I have always worried too much about the disapproval of others, irrespective of which part of me it was directed at.
Why should I feel like I have to apologise to anybody for ANYTHING about myself or my actions – unless they are in some way harmful or hurtful…? I shouldn’t and I won’t – anymore. I am not holding a gun to anybody’s head demanding that you like me, so if you don’t, then by all means, walk the other way.
I am also entitled to my opinions, without justification – just as everybody else is and I will continue to voice them. I am living this life, UNAPOLOGETICALLY me.