I have shared some of this part of my journey before, but I have felt an increasing need to re-trace and re-share those steps again in the last few days.
Being enormously perceptive to people has great advantages but it can also carry great weight. I feel a lot more than I sometimes wish to – so it can make managing my own “issues” a lot more challenging when I am walking around worrying about those of so many others too… so in a manner of speaking, this is one way in which I can attempt to instill faith in those who may need a little dose of that right now, and it is also my way of reminding myself that I can in fact “manage” it all. You are NEVER as "alone" as you may think or feel you are and sometimes, you just need to reach out...even just a little.
You need to believe in yourself and what you do. Be tenacious and genuine. - Christian Louboutin
Throughout school, I was repeatedly told by teachers that I would never amount to anything. I seemed to be a forever disappointment to pretty much all of them – Well, I may not have achieved everything I want as yet, but I am still alive –and had you asked me 20+ years ago if I would be able to see myself where I currently stand, the answer would most definitely have been NO. In fact, I don’t think I saw much for myself at all back then, in terms of “future prospects” – it was just not something that I thought about, sadly.
I simply opted to run away from the reality of my circumstance rather than face it. I explored with every type of escapism I could get my hands on and needless to say, the results of these over years, landed me in circles and situations that were definitely not my proudest moments in life – because it is not who I am, what I stand for or what I wanted for my life – but at the time “It” and “they”, embraced me – acknowledged me… well, that was what is what I used to think… Truth be told, nobody in those situations really gives a toss about anything other than their momentary experience so there was nothing real nor true about those “associations” – other than the fact that they were completely toxic.
There have been times when I have often considered writing a book about my growing up years, you know… just to get it off my chest… because… DAMN they were interesting times. I wouldn’t change them for the world because they have shaped me into who I am today, but I can’t help but wonder if I might perhaps be a little less “off-centre” if I had stayed on the “straight and narrow” when growing up…I lived a very separate life back then… Separate from my family, real friends and anybody who actually cared about me. I lived … alone… yet surrounded by so many! It really was a crazy and also an incredibly lonely part of my life - One which disintegrated me right down to my core. I know for sure that my mom would rather forget those years, because I think she was exposed to more of it than anybody else in my family and circle of friends.
Starting from the ridiculous age of 11 I began choosing to expose myself to things that NO child that age should EVER have to experience. Aside from throwing copious amounts of acid, ecstasy, cocaine and others I care not to mention down my throat on a daily basis for years on end as well smoking copious amounts of weed a day I also exposed myself to so many other things that really do make me shudder when I recall them…writing exams high as a kite, stealing money from friends and family to feed my recreational habits, assisting house break-in’s, bumming money at train stations to go partying with, sleeping on the street, physically abusive relationships, lies, arrests and so much more…
Yet almost miraculously, despite everything I have exposed and subjected myself to, I have somehow never really lost complete control of “my-SELF”. With each and every situation I placed myself in, I have eventually reached a point of “internal interrogation”. I would stop and lecture myself – “is this really what you want for you and your life?” and the answer was always NO. – And so eventually, I would walk away, from whatever “it” was at the time. Yes, It took me a some years to “walk away completely” if you will, but I did by the time I was 21.
Like I said at the beginning of this post, it is at times when I begin to feel like I have had to be too strong for too many people (including myself) for too long I reflect back to those years, remembering how much strength I constantly had to muster in order to overcome each scenario I placed myself in… and believe me… some days it took a lot to get back up and keep moving. I know that I – like everybody else, was born with a purpose… and I haven’t fulfilled that yet. I am writing this because I want everybody else who might feel like “giving up” - to stop and remember WHO THEY ARE – before they were hurt – before they were broken, chipped and scarred. That person which is often just a vague memory is absolutely still there!!!
Believe in yourself, go after your dreams, and don't let anyone put you in a box. - Daya
If there is one lesson I have learnt WELL it is that when you have hit rock bottom… there is only one direction to go, and it is up, and when youfind the drive to rise there is NOTHING that can break you! Things might hurt, but if you remember your journey you will have an endless supply of strength at your disposal! Never forget that! If you need to, be angry, hurt, upset, frustrated, bitter or anything that you need to be…. Take it in, FEEL it – but only for a short time – then let it GO! And channel that energy into something constructive. Negative emotion, if allowed to consume you will literally eat you from the inside out. You might feel like a square peg in a round hole “pretending” that everything is ok, but that feeling will only last for a certain period of time. Persist! You will thank yourself later, I promise!
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx