"- Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. - Okay, done. - Did it break? - Yes. - Now, say sorry to it. - Sorry. - Did it go back to how it was before? - No. - Do you understand?" – anonymous
I have often reflected on the magnitude of this quote – what it must mean to many other people, but also what it means to me. Some of you that have followed my blog since the beginning will know a fairly large bit about what I have been through in my life. It hasn’t always been very pretty - in fact, most of it has been pretty darn ugly and there are many moments where I sit here and wonder how it is, that I am actually still around. It is an inevitability then, that I would have emotional scars from all those things, right?! It seems obvious don’t you think that I would carry a relative amount of baggage? I certainly think so. I know I would never expect another individual who has endured many a hurt, to walk out unscathed… That just seems so ridiculously unrealistic and selfish.
Why is it then that so many people - often those closest to you that you would think would be the most understanding and compassionate are completely the opposite! I realise that your "issues" are not their problem, but relationships of ALL kinds are about give and take are they not? Are we not supposed to be supportive of one another in both times of strength AND weakness - rather than fueling those weaknesses only perpetuating their often ugly results. All relationships revolve around love - including friendships and that kind of behaviour does not mirror what I believe love to stand for. There is not a person alive today that doesn’t have some kind of emotional baggage – so I find it somewhat troubling and difficult to understand that people cannot hold at least a little empathy or understanding towards another when their behaviour is off-centre or outlandish. You may not know another persons demons - but believe me, they are still VERY REAL! Speaking for myself – I have never proposed to anybody that I am perfect. I know I am quite far from it (who isn't), and at times I am probably a very difficult individual to “handle” because of all my emotional baggage – but I have never let it stop me from continually TRYING to at least become a better and more emotionally complete person each day that I live and breathe!
I always do my best to try and see the positive in everything rather than the opposite – but the reality is, I cannot ignore the scars I wear. Onlookers may not understand them or even be able to relate to them, but guess what - they are very much present, whether invisible to you or not. They are all VERY real to me – and when I am cornered they all crack open like healing wounds and start bleeding again. I don’t know if we ever TRULY heal 100% from the bad things we have experienced in life. I know I try to… but whether or not that has an eventual flawless success rate is yet to be seen. Personally, I do not think so. I have forgiven and I have moved on, but in moments of high emotional intensity your reactions often become more knee-jerk than conscious – and this is often where you lose the plot and everyone looks at you like you are some sort of emotional basket case. Whether they will ever completely leave me or whether I will forever walk around carrying certain insecurities and fears is irrelevant to me actually. I am who I am and like another quote very aptly depicts…
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”― Marilyn Monroe
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
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